my plan

I've fallen and can't get up-Mikie

I have been one big lazy ARSE/ASS!

Or should I say-I've gone off track and can't get back on. Why? I'm only hurting myself. I eat the wrong foods, and then times I have no appetite at all! Like tonight. I've eaten 4 sugar free popsicles and one glass of sugar free koolaid!

I got on the scale almost 2 wks ago and I gained weight. I had my 51st b-day the other week. Great birthday-great friends and family. My sweetie got me a gorgeous bracelet. Von hooked me. She got a great silver one. I wanted the gold and silver, Pandora-you can add various charms. It was in Oprah mag.

I go on vacation at the end of next week. Going to Cape Cod-we did a timeshare swap. Looking forward to chillin' out there.

Von and my Jasminlive friend/co-worker Cee is moving to NC next week. Luckily she'll still work for our same company, but remote. After over 18 yrs it's hard not to have her close. It was so weird seeing her office all bare. We asked if she needed help; she said she'd call tonight if she did. Perhaps she'll call and need extra help packing this weekend. I've half thought of just going over there on Sun. Hey, Von-are you reading this?? If not, I'll call you on Sun.

Just don't have my mind set-where it should be with my weight. Did find more clothes in the majic closet. Need to clear out winter stuff. But, we've been cleaning our our garage in search of stuff we need to donate/sell, trash!

I'm not moving my ass around much. Von got me to go out at lunch and get herself a new got CD, which I copied. Haven't listen to yet because I've been listening to Diana Gabaldon's unabridged, Voyager, narrated by Davina Porter.

I am so sucked into these. Von and listened to the first book on tape? or was it a CD? a very long time ago, when we carpooled. Anywho, she listened again and asked me if I wanted to listen again to the first book, Outlander. Yes, yes, and yes. Now I'm into the 3rd book, Von hasn't listened to the 2nd. We are renting these and spliting the cost, etc. I haven't put another CD in until I was waiting for the 3rd one to arrive via mail.

Not much done at all w/wedding plans. I did get a 'marriage celebrant' to do the service at our house. We did a first start at invites, but haven't done much else. But when we get back from vacation, that's my first priority! Well, second. The first would be to get back on track w/losing weight.

I haven't told Von to log in the fills I've gotten. I didn't go to the monthly mtg at the weight doc because it was on my birthday this month. The previous month I stayed the same w/weight and got another fill. They are now having bi-monthly mtgs, but that one is the day we leave early for vacation. Things are fitting, but not like they were. I feel fat right now. But held off on eating more junk food. Tonight I just couldn't eat ham, or sliced beef. As I write this I want soup. So, I'm going off to get soup.

Time for a dip and clip w/my hair.

Von-I lazy...... but I did finally write something! And Shannin looks so great!


Ever think-as you were about to dig into your 35th lunch salad in a row-that you would happily open the little flap on your stomach and shove the greens in directly if only you didn't have to smell, bite, chew, or swallow them first?

I occasionally enjoy the hell out of a good salad.

The operative word there being occasionally.

And oh, Oh, OH, the white hot insanity that is the JennyFuckingCraig "Chicken Salad Kit." That shit tastes like ass. It tastes almost as bad as the even assier-tasting JennyFuckingCrag "Tuna Salad Kit."

Now, mind you, I told the JFC "counselor" that I would not ever again willingly pay for the JFC "Tuna Salad Kit" and I refused to try the JFC "Chicken Salad Kit" for that same reason. But she talked me into it. She said, "Oh, no, I hate the tuna salad kit but I LOVE the chicken salad kit. I love it so much I eat it every day for lunch!"

Next time I see her I'm just going to give her a big big hug because I cannot imagine the kind of life where you have to eat that ass-tasting disaster every day. Poor little thing.

Meanwhile, the crackers and applesauce were okay and that-along with the dreaded greens-was lunch.

Let the wild rumpus start . . .

I stripped down and made to step onto the scale this morning and the Scalegod shook his head sadly.


Even HE feels sorry for me now.

But of course, we DID have to do it. It's Friday. It's Weigh Day. It's official. I haven't lost an ounce -- NOT ONE OUNCE -- since last Friday.

My Inner Fat Lady sat up on her plateau and watched the whole Chaturbate transaction -- ready to make her move.

Wild Thing!Looting? Rioting? She was up for anything -- as long as it included FOOD -- and I was right there on the edge . . . but I took a deep breath, and then I took a step back. I'm still on the edge, don't get me wrong. It's only 9:30 as I write this -- I have an entire DAY ahead of me, an entire DAY to inflict damage on myself -- I'm still on the edge, all right, but my toes aren't hanging off anymore.

So. It's a day, right? It's just a day. I would say "a day like any other" except it is a little bit different from most days. It's my last day of being 40.

And -- I'm saying this, right here, right now -- I'll be celebrating tomorrow evening with the fam at Chevy's. That's right, I said Chevy's. Because I think 41 should taste sharp, don't you? I think it ought to burn.

In a good way. :-)

In the meantime, I'm going to keep trying to ignore the Inner Fat Lady -- she can just stay on that damned plateau for all I care -- and I brought my workout clothes with me so I'm hitting Curves on the way home.

Happy Friday!!

The Happily

Mr. Lyle Lovett was spectacular last night -- he and his Large Band played for 2.5 hours and it was all great stuff. Maybe a little more of the movie songs off of Smile than I needed -- I much prefer his original Jasminelive stuff -- but he does a fantastic job on Straighten Up and Fly Right, so it's all good. (It occurs to me, as I write this, how cool it would be to hear Marilyn Manson do that song! I think I'll e-mail him [I'm sure he answers fan letters, right?] and suggest it . . .)

Lyle didn't talk as much as I was hoping, though. He has such great timing, delivery, skew. I love the little bits he does between songs. But it was practically all music all night. Not usually a cause for complaint. :-) Anyway, I had a blast -- we got great seats -- 5 rows from the stage. If we hadn't been so far off to the side, he might've sweated on us! Imagine!!

I wrote the first part of this entry this morning, when I first got to work. You can't see it between the lines -- or maybe you can, if you've been reading me on a regular basis -- but this is what I'm hearing in my head: 3.1 pounds. 3.1 pounds. Three point one fucking pounds.

Five days now at 194.0. I've been drinking lots of water. LOTS of water. I haven't eaten over my limit. I've been working out at Curves. There is simply no good reason for this ridiculousness! My body hath laid siege against me. It's holding out. It's hibernating. It's making me CRAZY!

Oh well. It's gotta give eventually, right?


Work with me here!

Oh God, I know. I spout off about how badly I've screwed up my metabolism every time I turn around -- yet I am unfailingly blindsided and amazed every time it happens.

I've done the website calculators, you know. They all say that to maintain my current weight I'd need to be eating 2032 calories a day. I have emphatically NOT been eating 2032 calories a day. I have been eating under 1500 calories a day, plus working out at Curves 3 days a week and walking about 8 miles on Sundays. I may not be "netting" 400 - 600 calories a day, but I'm certainly not "netting" 2032 calories a day, either. No Fucking Way!

So I know this stall isn't real. It's just my Inner Fat Lady digging in her heels and refusing to move -- Uh uh, no way, I ain't goin' . . .

And I don't know how long I can hold out -- but so far, no Ugly Burrito Incidents -- and even though I'm having a crisis of faith, I went to Curves and worked out. Which made me feel good endorphinally(sp?) and also made me feel strong innerly.

Take that, Fat Lady.

String Cheese & Lyle Lovett

Workdays, I stop at 11:15-ish for a break of low fat string cheese (60 calories) and 7 fat free pretzel rods (50 calories). It is exactly the right thing to do. It's substantial enough that I feel fed -- not just "snacked" -- plus, it's fun to eat! (Unless you're a heathen, like Scott, and you just eat the string cheese in bites without stripping it.*)

I love my string cheese and pretzels so much that, sometimes, it's my favorite meal of the day.

That has nothing to do with Lyle Lovett, of course, I just thought I'd share.

But while we're on the subject of Lyle (Ha!) my friend Em was gifted with 2 free tickets -- her neighbor had to go out of town suddenly, awwww -- Not! And she's taking me with her! And it can rain all it wants, cuz we've got orchestra seats!! I'm so excited. He's got to be one of the snarkiest songwriters around (it's all in the words, !) so that's where I'll be this evening -- basking in his wonderfulness . . . I can't WAIT!

I know -- but he has many other good qualities, so I let him stay.

Ok, here's the thing. I know a true addict has an angle for every argument. They're not ready to quit and they're not going to quit and nothing anybody says is going to change their mind.

(They, of course, being ME.)

So about the scale . . . and weighing every day. I realize that along with whatever hormonal cocktail I've got going on, I'm walking around today in a bit of a funk because I've been working HARD here, dammitallanyway, and the scale hasn't budged since Friday.

It's hard to KEEP working hard in the face of such indifference. Reading back through my entries here, I see that on July 1 I posted about the scale not moving, and how it was exactly 2 weeks after my last period. And the next day, the very next day, was the Ugly Burrito Incident (UBI).

(Coincidence? I think not!)

By weigh day that week I was down 1.8 pounds, so it seemed to come out ok. And I wondered if maybe the UBI had acted sort of like the

Wendie Plan for WW -- hiking my intake way up one day and shaking my metabolism loose.

But I have to wonder -- would I have lost even more that week without the extra calories that I shoved down my throat that day?

So my goal for today is to avoid another UBI. My goal for the rest of the week, actually. I just hope the Scalegod relents by Friday -- because by then my Inner Fat Lady will really be ready to rumble . . .